Welcome to My Padded Room!

Yeah, so I'm gonna be honest, there's gonna be some seriously triggering shit in here and I'll put a trigger warning at the beginning of each entry and I might later add a way to filter the posts or something but I'm bad at coding so that probably won't happen for a while.

1/15/26

Trigger Warnings: None

I'm stuck at my weird homeschooling place and I think someone is drumming upstairs because I keep hearing thumping??? It's not very rhythmic so I'm not sure but it's been going on for a while now. I'm tired of coding because I spent all of this morning setting up a spacehey profile. I actually really like it there because everyone there is also interested in coding and emo. I need to remember to add a link to my profile on there to my about me section here. I'm so fucking tired and I want to go home but I have a stupid meeting with my stupid advisor to discuss my future, when I really already have it planned out: I spend the rest of this year getting my GED because I basically just dropped out of highschool, then next year I take it easy and do some community college classes to prove to whatever four-year college I end up going to that I can handle college-level classes, then after next year, I go to college like a normal person. I'm hoping by then I'll have my life figured out enough that I can join the general population and not be constantly switching schools because I'm too mentally ill to go to a normal school.

I've been researching colleges a bit, but it's kind of exhausting to think about my future. Like, I think I know where I'm going to end up, but I don't know how I'm getting there, if that makes any sense. I want to be some sort of software engineer like my dad because I've actually really enjoyed all the coding stuff I've been doing lately, and I'll make a fuckton of money. I'm glad that I'm trying to basically skip a grade because Birdie is a grade ahead of me, but as long as I stay on track with my plan, it won't matter because we'll end up in college at the same time. We're trying to end up going to colleges in the same general area, and it's like a three hour drive from where we currently live to where they're thinking of going, which they think is a lot, but that's barely anything to me. You don't even need car snacks for that. That's like four albums. That's nothing. I know I'll probably end up going to college pretty close to where they are, but part of me really wants to go to California. All my favorite media is set around there, and I think I'd love to live there, but it's pretty far from where I am now, so I probably won't get to live there for a long time, if ever. Chicago also seems nice because they have a good punk scene there, but that's also really far. To be clear, I'm not resentful of Birdie for picking the general area where they picked because it's a good general area, I'm just not used to living in familiar enviornments for long because I moved around pretty much constantly as a kid. I really just can't wait until I'm out of college and I have a steady job and a one-bedroom apartment with Birdie and maybe a cat or two, depending on what the apartment's policy on pets is, and we'll cook together every Thursday night, and the kitchen will get super messy but we'll clean it up later. And I'll get to work from home a few days a week, but the rest of the week, I'll be in the office, and maybe I'll get to go to California and Chicago for confrences. I think that's what I want actually. And I'll be in a local folk punk band that meets Friday evenings at 6:30 and most of the time we just play Super Smash Bros instead of actually practising but we have a few good songs and maybe we do concerts, and instead of a drummer we have a washboard player like Chad Hates George. And I'll have several tattoos, mostly just song lyrics or art based around songs. My first professional tattoo will be the words, "Anxiety, anxiety, you give me no mercy" tattooed around my left wrist like a bracelet that I can look at to ground me when I'm getting super anxious so I can remember that it's just anxiety and nothing bad is going to happen. My second tattoo will be on my thigh and it'll be a glass of whiskey with three ice cubes in it and it'll be accompanied by a lyric from Olde Tyme Mem'ry. I don't think I'll visit my parents very often, certainly not for every holiday, but maybe once a year for like a day? I'm kind of pissed at my mom because she seriously fucked me up, but I like my dad right now at least, because it's not really his fault. But most importantly, in this fantasy about the future, I'll live with someone who loves me, hopefully Birdie, and everything will actually be okay and I'll only see my psychiatrist once every six months like a normal person and I'll have therapy biweekly. And I won't be taking a minimum of four pills every night, hopefully like just two and maybe one in the morning. I feel like my hopes for the future aren't unrealistic, so maybe they have a chance of happening? I think it'll be something like that.

As you may be able to tell, I've been thinking a lot about the future lately, but writing down what I want my end goal to be makes it a bit less scary. I've got a meeting with my advisor in like five minutes, so I'm going to call it good for now, but writing out what I want my life to look like actually really helped.

1/12/26

Trigger Warnings: Brief mention of suicide

I'm currently on a call with Birdie and their brother is also in the room and we're having a weird discussion about nothing in particular but it's kind of weird but what I want to talk about is that one of my mutuals on tumblr is also making a website and we've been talking about it and stuff and I offered to send him some resources and I'm just really excited to have a friend that I have a common intrest with, which means I might actually get to have conversations with it. (Side note: for some reason Birdie's brother is crying now and I feel awkward so I'm just going to ignore it and keep typing).

I'm really close to having this website be functional enough to put it up, but I'm in the middle of making a secret page for Birdie and it's a lot more complicated than the rest of this website so it's taking a while, but it's giving me motivation to get better at coding. Birdie's brother keeps sometimes randomly asking me questions about my website and stuff and I keep offering to show it to him but then he doesn't respond so I don't know what's happening.

As for mental health, because I kind of had a realization after I was kind of venting on Birdie's page here, because I realized that it's probably not normal to have weekly spirals to the point where I become suicidal, so I'm going to bring it up in therapy tomorrow and hopefully she'll have some sort of explanation.

1/10/26

Trigger Warning: Sex

I went over to my partner's house for the first time today, and I really liked it there. They said it was small but it didn't feel that small, although I didn't really go outside their room. I had a really good time though, because we weren't worried about my parents barging in and their dad is really chill. Their brother also seems nice, but I felt so much more at ease there than I do at my house. Anyways, because we both actually felt comfortable in our enviornment for once, we fucked for like two hours with minimal breaks. It was awesome. What was less awesome was that I got a very obvious hickey on my neck. I've been able to cover it with makeup, but I'm worried I'll forget and all hell will break loose when my mom sees it. It was totally worth it though.

Anyways, back to the sex because it was amazing. I could barely walk for a little while afterwards. I don't remember a lot of it because it was pretty intense, but I know it felt fucking amazing. There was one point where I was having such a hard time not moaning incredibly loudly, that I had to cover my mouth and hold my breath. If that house was empty, I would have been so loud.

Of course, the euphoria of feeling loved and cared for and actually safe led to me realizing that it's probably a bad thing that I don't feel those things when I'm at home with my parents. I saw an article on psychology today about basically what I'm expirencing, where I feel like my parents are parenting me wrong but there's not a obvious red flag. It's apparently really common for kids in these situations to imagine themselves in apocalyptic scenarios, and I'll be damned if that wasn't my whole childhood. I'm going to talk about this in therapy on Tuesday, because I feel like my therapist will have some insight and a better way to explain it to me.

Also one more thing, Birdie, if you're reading this, I want you to know how loved I felt when we were riding back to my house in your dad's car and you kissed my head. I don't know how to describe it, but when you do that, I feel incredibly safe and cared for.

Now I'm tired so I'm going to try and get the rest of this site at least somewhat functional, and then I'm probably going to go to sleep.