Welcome to My Padded Room!
Yeah, so I'm gonna be honest, there's gonna be some seriously triggering shit in here and I'll put a trigger warning at the beginning of each entry and I might later add a way to filter the posts or something but I'm bad at coding so that probably won't happen for a while.
Thrash Unreal by Against Me!
1/12/26
Trigger Warnings: Brief mention of suicide
I'm currently on a call with Birdie and their brother is also in the room and we're having a weird discussion about nothing in particular but it's kind of weird but what I want to talk about is that one of my mutuals on tumblr is also making a website and we've been talking about it and stuff and I offered to send him some resources and I'm just really excited to have a friend that I have a common intrest with, which means I might actually get to have conversations with it. (Side note: for some reason Birdie's brother is crying now and I feel awkward so I'm just going to ignore it and keep typing).
I'm really close to having this website be functional enough to put it up, but I'm in the middle of making a secret page for Birdie and it's a lot more complicated than the rest of this website so it's taking a while, but it's giving me motivation to get better at coding. Birdie's brother keeps sometimes randomly asking me questions about my website and stuff and I keep offering to show it to him but then he doesn't respond so I don't know what's happening.
As for mental health, because I kind of had a realization after I was kind of venting on Birdie's page here, because I realized that it's probably not normal to have weekly spirals to the point where I become suicidal, so I'm going to bring it up in therapy tomorrow and hopefully she'll have some sort of explanation.
1/10/26
Trigger Warning: Sex
I went over to my partner's house for the first time today, and I really liked it there. They said it was small but it didn't feel that small, although I didn't really go outside their room. I had a really good time though, because we weren't worried about my parents barging in and their dad is really chill. Their brother also seems nice, but I felt so much more at ease there than I do at my house. Anyways, because we both actually felt comfortable in our enviornment for once, we fucked for like two hours with minimal breaks. It was awesome. What was less awesome was that I got a very obvious hickey on my neck. I've been able to cover it with makeup, but I'm worried I'll forget and all hell will break loose when my mom sees it. It was totally worth it though.
Anyways, back to the sex because it was amazing. I could barely walk for a little while afterwards. I don't remember a lot of it because it was pretty intense, but I know it felt fucking amazing. There was one point where I was having such a hard time not moaning incredibly loudly, that I had to cover my mouth and hold my breath. If that house was empty, I would have been so loud.
Of course, the euphoria of feeling loved and cared for and actually safe led to me realizing that it's probably a bad thing that I don't feel those things when I'm at home with my parents. I saw an article on psychology today about basically what I'm expirencing, where I feel like my parents are parenting me wrong but there's not a obvious red flag. It's apparently really common for kids in these situations to imagine themselves in apocalyptic scenarios, and I'll be damned if that wasn't my whole childhood. I'm going to talk about this in therapy on Tuesday, because I feel like my therapist will have some insight and a better way to explain it to me.
Also one more thing, Birdie, if you're reading this, I want you to know how loved I felt when we were riding back to my house in your dad's car and you kissed my head. I don't know how to describe it, but when you do that, I feel incredibly safe and cared for.
Now I'm tired so I'm going to try and get the rest of this site at least somewhat functional, and then I'm probably going to go to sleep.